Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Don't Let a Ninja Ruin Your Autumn

Everybody knows that it's foolhardy to engage in an exchange of fisticuffs with a ninja, unless of course, you too are a ninja and are dressed just a little bit cooler than the other guy. But let's face it, sometimes it can't be avoided. Ninjas are freaking everywhere and the ninja industry has not been immune to the global economic recession either. They're always looking for a way to keep busy, and aside from applejacking your iPods, their only form of revenue is the ninja millage they generate with each successful bystander attack. It's important to be on guard against such attacks, so here are a few helpful tips to keep you safe this fall.

1. Ninja Attack Insurance. Your local insurance agent would be happy to steal more of your money with this safety net. If you're displeased with our currently existing, or lack of, ninja attack insurance, a public option will soon become available.

2. Wash Your Hands.

3. Dress Smart. In the end, it's always the better looking ninja that wins. Reference: American Ninja series, Ninja Gaiden, G.I. Joe

4. Stock Your Stars. Statistically, the vast majority of ninjas will begin their attacks with a breathtaking rigid warrior posture at a far striking distance. For a well-prepared pre-victim, this provides just enough time and space to dispense a few accurately-aimed throwing stars to disable the attacker.

5. Drums of Dairy. Historically, ninjas have almost always been Asians, and it's a fact of Eastern proportions that most Asians are lactose-intolerant. Ninjas are much less likely to attack one who is carrying large quantities of dairy products, usually in quantities of 5 gallons or more.

6. Avoid the Banzai. It's been said if you want to avoid accidental groin strikes, stay out of the rake factory. That's also true for avoiding ninja-induced groin strikes. Avoid areas of heavy ninja infestation if you want to avoid ninjas and their low blows. Stay away from rice paddies, banzai farms, ninja uniform stores, swordsmiths, TNMT movies, Green Party conventions, pagodas, and the Eastern hemisphere.

7. Clone a Carter. It is inarguable that Jimmy Carter has never been attacked by a ninja. Throw on that Carter mask any time you go in public, and your life will be blessed.

8. Bone Up on Your Norris Skillz (with a "z"). Check out a Norris training video from your local self-offense library. I highly recommend So You're a Ninja and You Think You Can Step to This: A Simple Instructional DVD on Disarming Stealth Warriors, by Charles Norris.

9. Know Your Rights, the "Bill of" that is. One important lesson that we all gleaned from The Last Samurai is that ninjas don't do well against gatlin guns. Take advantage of your right to bear arms and carry a gatlin gun on a horse-drawn trailer every where you go, and you won't be disappointed.

10. Sidestep the Swine. Don't get the freaking swine flu like I'm pretty sure I have right now. If you do get it, count the blessing that you won't need a H1N1 vaccine, which we all know President Obama personally brewed to contain the maximum number of unsafe toxins. Glen Beck confirms that it was created in a secret intern camp where radioactive Democrat waste is stored.