Monday, January 4, 2010

Abridgd Lst o' Crp We Could'v Dun W/o

At the closing of a pretty solid decade, it's important to think about all the awesome that has happened in the past ten years. But it's even more important to think about all the annoying, lame, and otherwise heinous crap delivered to us. Why? Because it's more fun to blog about. So here lies The Abridged List of Crap We Could Have Done Without over this last decade.

Abridgd Lst o' Crp We Could'v Dun W/o

1. Window's Vista. Anyone who knows me is aware of my exceeding fondness of Window's Vista. This little sequel to the successful Windows series got Wachowskied*. Bag o' burning poo and I stomped all over it...barefoot.

2. Toy packaging. Twist ties. Freaking twist ties all over the place. Just open any toy, and you'll know what I'm talking about.

3. The demise of free downloadable music. Napster, how I miss thee. If it had really been about the artists, I would have been more concerned, but this overturn was driven by the production companies and tools like Metallica. Anytime a corporation or a rock band does something, it is evil and should be complained about on blogs.

4. Two The Tonight Shows. Jay Leno, c'mon. You think you've fooled anybody. You just started another one right next door. You're like a Third World street vendor. You think I didn't notice the whole street of pad thai being sold right next to yours.

5. Chipotle. I was just as excited as the next guy to get a whole new chip and dip flavor, but let's be honest. This is basically burnt salsa with a bunch of sugar added to it. Unimpressed.

6. Paula Abdul. I'm not sure if she's human. I think she's an android (actually a "gyenoid" would be more precise) programmed to repeat everything Randy Jackson just said except with an inappropriate amount of emotion and awkward trinket-jangling applause.

7. Global warming. Anybody remember the 80's when electric cars and solar panels and recycling were rad and fun? Well, all that was reduced and reused this last decade when Captain Planet got the most boring ex-Vice President to become ambassador for ye olde earth. Now it's not fun. It's scary. And we're all about to die of boiling atmosphere and soporific oration.

8. Eight.

9. Y2K crash. Nothing ruins a good societal meltdown like buying too many generators, canned artichokes, and grenades...and then not actually having the meltdown. Remind me not to believe the news anymore.

10. Video store graveyards. Remember when you had to go to a building, peruse some shelves, and actually pick up movies with your bare hands? Then there was the annoying interaction with a person involving you handing them money and them handing you the movies on the other side of the magic security pillars. Well, that process seems to be taking its last gasping breaths. Netflix has pummeled Blockbuster, and I believe it is single-handedly keeping the postal service in business. And Redbox continues to give Wal-Mart a great reason to keep their stinky foyer really, really hot.

*Wachowskied--The act of destroying an awesome original with sequels. Named after the Wachowski brothers, writers and directors of the Matrix series.

The title of the list is abridged. That's what makes it funny.

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